How to Not Learn a Language

Are you interested in learning a language? If you'd like to be successful then I'm going to teach you how to not learn a language. I know, I know. This sounds counterintuitive but please indulge me and read on. What are my qualifications? Well, I have years and years of experience in failing at learning languages. In high school, I had two years of skipping French classes. Later on, I taught myself Spanish, Korean, and Japanese and failed miserably. I also learned Slovak and quit after 6 months. I took two months of Dutch classes where half the time I was absent. And over the last four years, I've been learning German. Maybe I have little bit of success here but I'm telling you, I'm having a snail-like progress. So here are the five things that you can do to help you not learn a language.

1. Have ridiculous expectations. If your aim in 3 months is to be able to converse without any grammatical errors, then you're on your way to not learning. Frustration will come and before you know it, you'll be a quitter like me. But hey, you gotta have high standards, no?

2. If you don't have ridiculous expectations, then at least have zero goals. Because whatever, right? Que sera sera. C'est la vie. Who cares about language learning goals? As long as you know how to order a beer or bier is enough. Right? Then you can always revert to smiling, using broken English, making gestures, or sending telepathic messages.

3. If you think what you're going to say is peppered with mistakes, just shut up. You don't want to embarrass yourself. You don't want the locals to cringe at you for butchering their language. So don't open your mouth if you're just going to make mistakes. Making mistakes is for losers.

4.  To practice is to waste one's time. Practice makes perfect? Hell no. Ain't nobody got time for that! The Common European Framework of Reference for Languages recommends 600 hours of learning if say you want to attend a prep school in Germany (not even college!). Seriously, where are you going to get these 600 hours? That's a lot of missed telenovelas and trolling on Facebook.

5. And finally, have zero motivation. The fastest way to fail at this is to not have a reason for wanting to learn a language. For example, I wanted to learn German so I'd understand what the hell my boyfriend says when he sleep talks. But we broke up. So I guess I don't have to learn German anymore, no?

Now, if you cannot relate to any of this, then you might have a good chance at learning a second or third (or heck your nth) language. Have fun and good luck! :)